Skid Marks: Let's Talk About Bathroom Hygiene

by Harry de Haas

There are some things men don't talk about.

Feelings.

Directions.

And the occasional mysterious racing stripe discovered in a perfectly respectable pair of underwear.

Yes.

The skid mark.

It's hardly one of civilization's great mysteries. We know where it came from.

But perhaps the more interesting question is:

Why are we still trying to clean one of the messiest parts of the human body primarily with dry paper?

Let's Conduct a Small Experiment

Imagine you somehow got sh!t on your hand.

Would you take a few sheets of dry tissue, wipe your hand three or four times, look at it approvingly and carry on with your day?

Probably not.

You'd wash your hand.

Yet move the same problem approximately three feet south and suddenly we've decided dry paper is state-of-the-art technology.

Toilet paper certainly has a role.

But there's a fundamental difference between wiping something and washing something.

Your dishes know this.

Your car knows this.

Perhaps your bottom deserves the same consideration.

Why Do Skid Marks Happen?

Usually it's not complicated.

Small amounts of stool can remain around the anus after a bowel movement, particularly when stools are soft or sticky. Hair, skin folds, hemorrhoids and minor leakage can all make getting completely clean more difficult.

Sweat and movement during the day can then take care of the rest.

And somewhere around lunchtime, your underwear receives an unwanted autograph.

Residual stool and moisture can also contribute to odour, itching and skin irritation.

But attacking the problem with half a roll of toilet paper isn't necessarily the answer either. Excessive wiping and rubbing can irritate the sensitive skin around the anus.

The objective is clean, not freshly sanded.

The Bidet Is Brilliant

At some point, somebody asked an extraordinarily sensible question:

“Why don't we just use water?”

Enter the bidet.

A stream of water cleans the area after a bowel movement, after which you gently dry yourself - or in some modern setups, the bidet dries you as well.

That's essentially it.

Bidets can reduce the amount of toilet paper required and, for many people, provide a gentler way to clean than repeated wiping.

And you don't need to remodel your bathroom into a European spa. Inexpensive toilet attachments and handheld bidets can add water cleansing to an ordinary toilet.

Just use sensible water pressure. You're not putting out a fire.

Toilet Paper Isn't Free, Either

Think about how much toilet paper a household buys over a year.

Then ten years.

Then consider what we actually do with all that money.

We literally flush it down the toilet.

A bidet doesn't necessarily eliminate toilet paper—you'll probably still want something for drying, but it can dramatically reduce how much you use.

Better hygiene. Less paper. Less rubbing.

Not exactly revolutionary technology.

It's water.

And Then There's the Shart

We must acknowledge another contributor to the skid-mark ecosystem - The shart.

For anyone unfamiliar with this unfortunate but remarkably efficient piece of vocabulary, it's the moment when what you confidently believed was going to be just a fart turns out to have brought a little luggage.

It can happen to perfectly healthy people, particularly with diarrhea or loose stools.

For others, minor fecal leakage can be associated with bowel problems, pelvic-floor issues, aging or changes to the muscles and nerves responsible for bowel control.

So not every underwear stain means somebody did a lousy job wiping.

Sometimes your body changes the terms of the agreement without adequate notice.

And Gentlemen...

This is where things get interesting.

Women have had products designed around periods, discharge, bladder leakage and everyday intimate care for generations.

Men's underwear technology has historically been somewhat less ambitious.

We gave ourselves a fly.

And apparently declared the project complete.

But men sweat. Men occasionally leak. Men don't always get perfectly clean.

And yes, sometimes a fart turns out to be a little more ambitious than advertised.

Our traditional solution?

Hope for the best and wear dark underwear.

Perhaps there's room for better design.

Because bodies aren't perfect.

And maybe the answer to normal bodily realities isn't embarrassment.

Maybe it's better Crotch Care.

The Crotch Doctor's Bottom Line

Good bathroom hygiene doesn't need to be complicated.

Clean thoroughly. Be gentle with the skin. And consider introducing your bottom to the remarkable technology known as water.

Your skin may appreciate it.

Your toilet-paper budget may appreciate it.

Your laundry will almost certainly appreciate it.

Perhaps one day the skid mark can finally take its rightful place where it belongs:

On the racetrack. Not in your underwear.

This article is for general educational purposes and isn't a substitute for individualized medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.